


Always There For You- Holts & Dying in Their Arms

by the_sinnamon_roll_writes



Series: Bad Things Happen [9]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: I admit I did minimal reseach for this one so if it seems lazy thats why, I do love the Holt sibling dynamic they're so sweet, I'm sorry I tried to keep it to stuff I didn't really have to research anyway, I'm starting to realize I like stabbing people in these, Matt Holt-centric, Pidge | Katie Holt Angst, Pidge | Katie Holt-centric, and I don't get sad easy, gonna have to switch that up eventually, that's a lie I'm a huge baby, there is blood, this one made me sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 07:52:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17341502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_sinnamon_roll_writes/pseuds/the_sinnamon_roll_writes
Summary: Not everyone is happy with the people who saved the universe. Takes place after season 8, but there really aren't much for spoilers. This was a requested work.





	Always There For You- Holts & Dying in Their Arms

Watching Pidge succeed was one of the proudest moments in Matt’s life. Seeing her stand in front of massive host of scientists and blow them all away with her ideas and expertise had him smiling so widely he was hurting his cheeks. It was so clear that she was born to do this. As soon as she was finished and people were starting to file out, he was right next to her, pulling her up into a tight hug. 

“You did so great! You were amazing!”

She laughed, and returned the hug. “You think so? Man, that was a great crowd, they were all so receptive. I'm gonna have to stay late today though, there are a few things I need to finish up here.”

“I’ll stay and help out,” Matt offered. “I was going to give you a ride out to dinner anyway. Mom and dad were planning a surprise celebration for you.”

“Wow, way to keep a secret, Matt.”

He shrugged. “You were gonna find out soon enough. And you’re gonna be late anyway.”

“What does that have to do with it?”

“I dunno, I just felt like I should give some other explanation,” Matt said with a grin. They had started walking through the large research building, with Pidge leading the way to one of the many labs it housed, on the second to last floor up. Eventually they reached the largest one and entered. “What were you staying here for? Anything I can help with?”

They may have worked in the same building, and would sometimes team up on projects, but the siblings usually focused on their own experiments. In fact, it had been weeks since Matt had last entered this lab in particular. 

“Well, I’ve been messing around with wormhole creation. One huge problem we’ve had is the amount of energy it takes to create one that will hold long enough for it to serve its purpose. So I’ve been trying to find ways that take less energy, to put it simply. Right now I just need to go through and make sure I’ve got everything powered down for the night. It’s not very safe to leave it all unsupervised for too long.”

Matt nodded. He was incredibly interested in what she was talking about, but he knew that she needed to focus on what she was doing. He’d pester her with questions about it later on their way to or at dinner. So he waited patiently, watching as she went around to each and every work station in the room, shutting things down and carefully putting them away. “While you do that, I’m gonna run to the bathroom real quick.”

She waved a hand in acknowledgment, and he walked out and down the hall. It wasn’t fair. Her lab was right next to a bathroom, he had to go three stories to get to the nearest one from where his workspace was currently set up. 

He was just walking back out when the hallway in front of him exploded. 

Matt was thrown backwards into the bathroom again. His hands flew up to cover his head, and next thing he knew, he was falling. The building was collapsing underneath him. It took only seconds for him to land on his back, and have the wind knocked out of his lungs. His ears were ringing, and his eyes were starting to water from all the dust settling in them. 

It took him a few minutes to regain his wits enough to crawl out from under the rubble and get to some (relatively) cleaner air. It was rife with dust and an odd fruity odor that he couldn’t quite place. He was still a little dazed. Must’ve hit his head, judging by the pounding headache he was developing. 

What had happened? What could’ve possibly blown up the entire building? No one who worked here was dumb enough to leave combustible- let alone explosive materials just laying around. And there shouldn’t have been anyone else in the building beside Pidge. 

Wait. Fuck. Pidge was here somewhere. 

_‘Where is she? I need to find her, I need to make sure she’s okay, I need to know where the hell she is.’_ That was all Matt could think as he leapt into action as quickly as he could without sending his head spinning. That, and how hard it was to breathe. He kept having to stop his search to cough, a nasty hacking sound. 

He didn’t like that he couldn’t hear anyone else coughing. There should’ve been other noise, but it was quiet, too quiet for his liking. His ears were still ringing though, and he was desperately hoping that was the only reason why. 

Then, somewhere impossibly far ahead of him, he saw movement. As fast as he could in the mess of the former building, Matt started to hurry toward it. He managed to make it there just in time to see Pidge’s head pop up from beneath a large piece of drywall. She was struggling to push it off of herself, so Matt bent down and helped to haul it up enough for her to wiggle out. Matt offered her a hand, and pulled her up to her feet. 

“What just happened?”

“I’ve got no idea,” Pidge replied, rubbing her neck. “It wasn’t me. All of my equipment was powered down- do you smell that?”

“Yeah, I’ve been smelling it for a while now. I can’t place it though.”

“Fruity. Do you think it might have anything to do with why the building blew up?” Pidge asked. “Could be acetone peroxide.”

Matt remembered then that Pidge had learned a little too much about explosives in her time in space. “Well, it’s certainly powerful enough. But why would someone-“

“Matt, look out!“ Pidge screamed, lunging toward her brother. 

He spun around, just in time to see someone sprinting towards him. And then he was catching the wrist of that someone who was now swinging a knife down on him. “Woah!”

Where had this guy come from? Matt was at a disadvantage- he had no weapon of his own, no real way of defending himself. His mind raced as he tried to consider his options. There were not many. He didn’t have a chance to do much before Pidge was tackling the assailant from the side. They both went flying, and Matt was right behind them, trying to jerk the knife from his hands. 

Pidge was clawing at their attacker’s face, and when Matt succeeded in getting the knife, he scrambled up and kicked him in the head as hard as he could. The assassin- they had to assume that’s what he was- went limp, and Matt tossed the knife aside to help Pidge up. “Holy shit, what do you think that was about?”

Matt looked down at the man with a frown. “Would it be too far out there to think that maybe he was trying to kill us?”

She laughed weakly. “I think that’s a safe assumption. I wonder who-“

Pidge broke off with a scream when she felt a knife dig into her back and twist. Then the blade was dragged down about two inches- that felt more like a foot- and yanked out as the assassin fell back to the ground, swaying on his knees.

•••  
_  
Matt could remember when she was seven._

_He was eleven._

_Pidge had trouble making friends. There were absolutely no other children who could match her smarts. She even proved to be smarter than some the teachers, much to their annoyance. It made it hard for her to find things to bond over with the others. She was never into playing with toys or sports or the playground. Pidge was always more likely to be seen taking those toys apart or finding ways to break off parts of the jungle gym to try and create something new._

_It got her in trouble a lot, and she spent a lot of time in the principal’s office. It wasn’t always her fault- she was bullied often. Of course she would fight back, and that rarely ended well. She could usually get in a good punch, maybe a few painful kicks, but she was always up against much larger opponents who would have her pinned to the ground quickly enough._

_Their parents were at a loss. The school wasn’t doing anything in their daughter’s defense, usually saying that both sides were in the wrong._

_Matt wasn’t a fighter. Actually, he wasn’t incredibly large himself at age eleven. But if he happened to catch anyone harassing Pidge, he was quick to jump in. Since most of the kids who were bullying her were older than she was, and he had no issue throwing punches of his own. Someone had to be there for her._

_He didn’t feel guilty when his parents scolded him for ‘encouraging that type of behavior.’ Even when he wound up with bruises of his own, he didn’t care. If it took the attention off of Pidge, he was fine with it._  
  
•••

Matt still wasn’t an overly aggressive person, preferring to sort things out using his smarts rather than violence. Even after fighting for all those years in space. 

But when he saw this _fucker stabbing his sister,_ he threw away his passive nature in a second. He launched himself down at the killer, landing on top of him and raining down blows. After a tense moment of fighting, Matt managed to wrestle the knife out of his hands and, without giving it a second thought, swung it down, embedding it deep in the killer’s chest. 

A short yelp, a gurgled cough, and then his arms fell down to his sides. Matt pulled the knife out of the attacker’s chest- just in case he was only _playing_ dead- and threw it as far as he could. He heard a soft whimper, and remembered- “Pidge!”

Pidge was gasping, having stumbled forward, and caught herself on what was probably once a support beam. Her back was arched, and one arm was grabbing blindly at the injury. Matt wasted no more time in running to stand behind her. Kneeling down, he examined the stab wound- the twist and the slash down had left her bleeding extensively, and he didn’t like that at all. He stood up and moved to stand in front of her, grasping her forearm to steady her. Her hand reached out, grabbing desperately for him. “Matt- Matt it’s- I’m-“

“Okay- okay, it’s alright- oof-“ he grunted when she fell forward into his chest. His arms quickly wrapped around her tightly. But he didn’t let the hug last long. “Come on, we need to get you out of here.”

He shifted to stand at her side, slinging her arm over his shoulders, and wrapping his arm around her back. They started walking- or rather, Matt started dragging her through the rubble of the building, struggling not to trip over all the debris. 

“M-Matt... shit-“

“Hey now,” he said quietly, trying to calm her down, “where the fuck did you learn that kind of language?”

That got a small laugh that quickly turned into a low whimper. “Matt- stop, please... it hurts...”

“I know it does, but I- I need to get you out of here. I need to get you help.” He couldn’t help the hitch in his voice. “The sooner we can get out of here, the sooner you’ll feel better.”

“We both know-“ she paused to wince when he stumbled “- that’s not gonna happen.”

“Not with that attitude. Try and stay positive.” He was carrying bridal-style her now. It was harder not to fall, but as long as he was careful, it would be faster than trying to help her limp along. “I’m not gonna let anything bad happen to you.”

Another weak chuckle. “You mean anything worse?”

“Y-yeah. So just hold on for a little while longer. I’m sure help is on its way by now.”

“Matt, it’s over a twenty minute drive from the hospital... I... I know I’m not... can we just sit together? I w-want... I just want to... please?” Her voice was a watery whine, and higher than normal. 

This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t possible. They were past all the fighting and danger, they were home again, after everything they’d been through. Pidge had survived so much, and yet here she was, one arm draped around his shoulder, not even able to stand up. He hated that she was probably right- that she likely wouldn’t last that long. The least he could do was honor her request. He sank down to his knees, bringing her down with him, so she was cradled in his arms as she looked up at him with a small smile. 

That smile turned into a grimace soon enough though. “It hurts.”

“I know, Pidge. But an ambulance has gotta be on its way by now, you know they can drive like maniacs if they need to. Once they get here, they’ll give you some pain meds, and you’ll feel better. Just focus on me right now, okay? Just look at me, and listen to my voice. I’m right here, and I won’t let you d- I won’t let you go. I promise.”

She didn’t seem to buy into what he was saying. She was too smart for that. “Thanks... for being here. ‘M glad I’m not alone. I don’ wanna die alone.”

•••  
_  
Matt could remember when she was fourteen._

_He was eighteen._

_He had just been granted a spot on a mission to Kerberos, and he was ecstatic. He was actually going into space, after all the years of training. Pidge was clearly excited for him. But there was something else there. She was anxious. A part of her hadn’t wanted him to leave her alone._

_So he went about making Pidge feel better in his own way. He spent as much time as he could with her, and introduced her to a few of his own friends. They all loved her right away, and were happy to let her tag along with them whenever they did something. She’d proved to be a forced to be reckoned with among them, and they all respected that._

_Sometimes they’d watch scary movies, or have dessert for dinner when their parents were away. Other times they’d recreate their own science experiments that one of them had heard about or done in school. That was one of her favorites- at home, they weren't nearly as constrained by rules as they were at school, and they could perform them on a much larger scale._

_Matt did everything he could to make sure she knew he cared before he left. And a very small part of him actually did feel guilty, although he never voiced that to her. That would make her feel worse, and that was exactly what he was trying to avoid._

_The night before they left for Kerberos came impossibly soon, and had Matt vibrating with excitement. Pidge was smiling, and laughing along side him, but he couldn’t help but notice that she was more subdued than usual. That wouldn’t do. After dinner, Pidge sighed and resigned herself to her room, claiming she had a headache._

_“Hey Pidge,” Matt called after a bit, “you wanna run and get some ice cream with me?”_

_“Do I have to change out of my pajamas?” she asked through the door._

_“What kind of question is that? Of course not.”_

_That did the trick, and she stepped out of her bedroom with a smile. She was still in her pjs, and had just pulled on a pair of slippers to cover her feet. She had already braided her hair, and Matt was actually rather impressed with how quickly she had gotten ready for bed. “So where are we going?”_

_“I was just thinking we could go to that drive-through place a few blocks down. Does that sound good?”_

_“As long as they have peanut-butter chocolate,” Pidge replied, following him out of the house. “If not, we’re going somewhere else.”_

_Matt laughed and nodded. “Sure. Belt on.”_

_She rolled her eyes as she clicked her seatbelt on. “You know, I’m not a total idiot. I don’t need a reminder every time.”_

_“I know, but I like to be sure. The car doesn’t move until everyone is buckled,” he said, clearly quoting Sam._

_“Wow, that was a good impression. You’re buying, right?”_

_“Yup. Won’t have much use for money for a while now.”_

_Their drive was filled with idle chit-chat. Pidge talked about what she would be doing in school the next year, Matt talked about how he hoped he was past the motion sickness he had suffered the first few test flights. Once they got their ice cream, they went home and climbed up to the rooftop to eat._

_“Pretty soon, I’ll be up there.” A glance at Matt, and Pidge could see him pointing up to the sky._

_Pidge sighed, looking out as well. “I can’t even see Pluto. It’s... so far.”_

_“Aw Katie,” Matt said softly. “You know how to reach us. And we’ll only be four point six billion miles away. I bet you won’t even know I’m gone. Besides, by the time we get back, you’ll be done at the garrison and ready to come with us on the next trip.”_

_Pidge leaned her head on his shoulder and sighed. “I hope so. I’m still gonna miss you guys.”_

_“Hey, I’m always gonna be there if you need me. You know that.”_  
  
•••

“I’d never leave you alone, Pidge. Besides, any minute now people are gonna be showing up to help.” He was ignoring the second part of what Pidge had said. An ambulance had to come. It was a huge fucking explosion, someone had to have called for help. There was no way this would kill her. 

“I really hope so,” Pidge said, her voice breaking. “I don’t wanna... Matt I don’...”

“I know Pidge, you won’t. I promise, you’ll be okay. Like I said, help is on its way-“ _‘please let help be on its way-‘_ “and mom and dad will probably be here soon too. Remember, we were all gonna have dinner tonight? I bet they’re wondering where we’re at. They’ll come looking for us.”

“Good... I wanna see them again before-” 

“And you will," Matt interrupted firmly. "You’ll see them again, and Shiro, and Lance and Hunk and Keith. You’ll see everyone. Just stay with me. An ambulance will be here, and I know you don’t like hospitals, but they’ll take you to one and you'll heal and be back at work in no time. Well, once they get the building rebuilt. Or move us to a new building.”

Pidge was looking up at him as he rambled. He was trying to offer her a comforting smile, but it wasn’t working at all. God, she looked so scared, and it was driving him crazy that he couldn’t do anything about it. All he could do was wrap her up tighter in his arms and hold her closer. “It’ll be okay. I promise Pidge, it’ll be okay.”

“Matt... I can’t feel my legs,” she murmured thickly. “Or my arms. ‘M scared.”

“I know- you’ve survived so much though, Katie. You’re so strong. Just think of how long you were in space, how many times you almost- got hurt. You’ve pulled through all of that, you can pull through this. I know you can, just keep looking at me, okay? Keep looking at me and breathing. It’ll be okay.” Matt wasn’t even really hearing his words anymore. All he was actually aware of thinking was _‘fuck, this isn’t real, it’s some sort of nightmare, it can’t really be happening-‘_

She was crying. No, she shouldn’t be crying. He had to say something to make her stop crying- a funny story or something. But then he realized that he was crying too. That wasn't helping. He needed to get it together if he was going to help her through this. He reached down and gently wiped the tears from her cheeks. 

•••  
_  
Matt could remember when she was ten._

_He was fourteen._

_She had dropped from the monkey bars at the park down the road from their house. When she landed, her ankle twisted beneath her and she collapsed to the ground. A bruised rear and scraped hands on top of a sprained ankle had her whimpering and crying out for her big brother. “Matt! Matt, help- I can’t stand up!”_

_He was immediately at her side and helping her to sit up. “Okay, where do you hurt?”_

_“My ankle,” she said shakily. “I think I broke it.”_

_Matt looked closely at it, then shook his head. “Don’t worry Pidge, it’s not broken. It’s sprained. Sort of like... a really bad pulled muscle. Kinda. Bit more complex than that, but it feels similar. It’ll be fine in a few days, I promise. Come on, let me help you up so we can get you home and get some ice on it.”_

_He wrapped an arm around her back and carefully helped her stand, slowing down whenever she winced. When he finally got her standing, she leaned heavily on him, and he reached over and wiped a tear off her cheek._

_“It’s okay. I’m here Katie.”_  
  
•••

“It’s okay. I’m here Katie.” It wasn’t okay. They both knew it. 

“I know you are Matt.” She was quiet, so quiet he could hardly hear her despite his head being right next to hers. “You’re always there for me.”

Despite wanting- needing- to comfort her, there was nothing Matt could do to help her now. Not as she was growing still in his arms- impossibly still, this couldn’t be happening- and he couldn’t help the sob that worked its way up from his chest.

“No, Katie, no- please look at me, please Katie-“

But she wouldn’t. 

She was gone. 

His forehead buried down in her soft hair, and he rocked back and forth. He didn’t try and hold it in any more. Matt wailed and shouted and screamed- for what, he wasn’t sure- until his throat was burning and he was reduced to soft whimpers. 

He was the older brother. She was supposed to outlive him, right? Older people were supposed to die first, that’s how it went. He had _never_ considered the fact that he might lose her. It hurt more than he could’ve ever imagined. The ache in his chest was unbearable. Anytime he came close to feeling like he’d regained any semblance of composure, he looked down at Pidge in his arms, and would immediately fall apart again. 

Matt wasn’t sure how long it was before he heard other voices yelling. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, clutching his sister’s body against his chest. Too long. Somehow he needed to get someone’s attention. He just couldn’t bring himself to leave her. Rationally, he knew it didn’t matter. But she shouldn’t be alone. Even if she was- 

He couldn’t finish the thought without wanting to retch. 

_“Matt? Katie?_ Oh god- Sam, there!” Colleen Holt’s voice grew shrill when her eyes landed on her children. As fast as she could, she clambered over the debris in a beeline to where they were sitting. She landed on her knees in front of them, paying no attention to the other body laying close to them. One hand rested on Matt’s face, the other on Pidge’s. The hand on Pidge was quickly pulled away when she realized how _god awfully still_ Pidge had become. Her eyes were focused on Matt, like she couldn't bring herself to look down at her daughter. “What happened?”

“I- I don’t know,” Matt managed to choke out. “Something- exploded- and then she- I couldn’t stop him in time-“

Once again, Matt broke down just as Sam came sprinting up to them. He paled as he looked down at his family and saw Pidge’s blank face. Like his wife, Sam fell down in front of Matt, and reached out hesitantly to place a hand down over her heart. 

Nothing. 

Without really realizing it, Sam started to shake his head. This wasn’t Katie. This wasn’t his daughter. It couldn’t be. Who ever this was- she was just someone who looked like Katie. But the only person who looked this much like Katie was Matt, and Matt was right there holding her. Suddenly he couldn’t look anymore. Sam stood up and turned around as the realization that _this was his baby girl_ washed over him. His chest was unbearably tight as he stumbled a few steps away. Behind him, he heard Colleen’s cries start to mix in with Matt’s. A heart-wrenching symphony. 

When he finally turned back around, he saw that his wife was clutching one of Katie’s hands, and had leaned forward to press her forehead against Katie’s. A constant stream of whispered _“no, please no,”_ was pouring from her mouth. This was the second time she had lost her daughter, he realized. Matt still hadn’t let her go, and was staring down at his mother and sister with red, puffy eyes. Sam was running on autopilot when he sat back down beside Matt and wrapped one arm around his neck. He turned to gently kiss his son’s temple, and pressed his face into Matt's crown when Matt leaned over on him. 

They hadn’t even gotten to say goodbye. 

•••

The funeral was a quiet affair. There had been a suggestion floated out that they host a large celebration of life- she was an intergalactic hero after all- but the Holts shot it down quickly. It was to be just family and close friends. All of the Paladins and Coran showed up, as did a few extended family members that Matt couldn’t even name. 

Of course, outside the funeral home, a large crowd had gathered anyway. It took a long time just to fight through them to get inside. All of them were wearing black and green, to honor his sister. For fucks sake, some of them had even made signs. Matt understood that they just wanted to pay their respects to one of the Paladins who had helped to free the planet from the Galra, but it didn’t make it any less frustrating. He just wanted to mourn in peace, and they were making that incredibly hard.

It was open casket, at Sam’s request. He wanted to be able to see her one last time. To say his goodbye. 

Matt remained towards the back of the room, as far away from her as he could get without leaving. He listened patiently through grand tales of her heroism and amusing adventures people had been on with her. He didn’t trust himself speak through the entire service. As soon as it ended, Matt was on his feet and hurrying away from the small crowd. Before he could get very far, he felt a hand grab his shoulder and pull him around. Shiro. His husband was back talking with a red-eyed Keith, occasionally glancing over at Shiro and Matt with a sad expression. 

“Hi Shiro. Thanks for coming,” Matt said shortly. 

“You really think I would miss it?” Shiro asked. It was clear as day that he had been crying. “We all loved her too. She was family.”

“She- she affected a lot of lives.”

Shiro let out a watery laugh. “I’ll say. I can’t count how many times she’s saved us. How are you holding up?”

He hesitated, taking a deep, rattling breath. “I’m not.”

“You didn’t go see her.”

Matt pressed his lips together and shook his head. There was no way he would be able to keep it together if he saw her in a coffin. Shiro had to know that. The look on his face told Matt that he did, but he reached out and took Matt’s arm anyway. Although he wasn’t sure why, Matt allowed himself to be guided up towards the casket. Where Pidge was waiting for him. 

He got a few steps away, and had to stop to take another deep, shuddering breath. Shiro stayed by his side, and waited before gently walking him forward again. 

And there she was. 

There she was. Katie Holt. Dead in a coffin. Dead. 

Dead and gone. She was dead. 

That word kept floating around his his brain. For some reason, it was all he could focus on. _‘For some reason? Come on Matt, you know damn well the reason is right in front of you.’_

She looked lovely- a pretty dress, simple makeup, hair brushed into submission. Lovely. But not at all like the Katie he knew. Sure, she used to wear dresses at times, but Matt couldn’t think of when he’d seen her in one last. She was more likely to be caught wearing grease-stained clothes with her hair in a messy ponytail. And as far as he knew, she hadn’t put on makeup at any point in at least three years. 

It was hard to breathe. 

He was crying. He’d done a lot of crying recently, and he’d though he had gotten it all out of his system. Apparently not. He didn’t even realize it until he felt Shiro’s arms around him. 

No, he wasn’t just crying. He was sobbing, clutching at Shiro arm like a lifeline. It hit him like a freight train- he would never see Pidge alive again. This was the last time he would ever see her. Without really meaning to, Matt turned to face Shiro and threw his hands around Shiro’s torso. People had turned to stare at him, but he didn’t give a shit. 

Shiro hugged him tightly, rubbing his back until he finally started to regain his composure. When Matt looked over at him, he saw that Shiro had started to cry again as well. Soon enough, Shiro’s husband walked over and rested his hand on Shiro’s shoulder. He was closely followed by Keith, then Hunk, then Lance. 

“Did you hear the news about the guy who did it?” Keith asked. He had walked over to stand next to them without Matt noticing. 

Matt wiped his nose and shook his head. “No, what’d they find on him?”

“The cops ransacked his place, and they found all kinds of defaced Voltron stuff. Figurines, posters, magazines and the like. He had journals filled with how much he hated us. His family died before we made it to Earth. Apparently he blamed us for that. They said he’d made plans to kill all of us,” Keith replied quietly, staring down at Pidge. 

“And he started with Katie,” Matt stated simply. Suddenly the knife made sense. This was a personal attack. 

_‘Why couldn’t it have been someone else?’_

Another look at Shiro revealed that he knew what Matt was thinking, and Matt suddenly wondered if he had thought the same thing at any point. Pidge had often said that Shiro was like another older brother to her. 

Looking around at the other former Paladins, Matt found he was unable to be around any of them. Why should they live while his sister didn’t? Why should she have to be the only one to pay for this? Katie was- had been- a good person. She’d helped so many countless people. Saved so many planets, galaxies, realities. 

With one last look down at his sister’s body, Matt spun around and walking off, grinding his teeth. The whole open casket thing was utter bullshit, Matt decided. He didn’t feel any better than he had before hand. 

Matt studied the remaining people resentfully. 

_‘Why couldn't it have been him?’_ Matt thought bitterly as he watched Lance chuckle across the room with Hunk. Hunk’s eyes were red, and Lance kept wiping his nose and sniffing loudly. _‘It’s not like he’ll ever contribute anything useful to the world.’_

He immediately felt guilty for thinking that. Lance had done so many wonderful things, just like Pidge. He had already contributed just as much to the universe as she had. He didn’t deserve to be thought of like that. None of the other Paladins did. They were all heroes. Besides, they were all hurting just as much- _almost_ as much as he was right now. 

_‘Why couldn’t it have been me?’_ He and Katie looked alike- everyone said so. They had been mistake for each other countless times. Why couldn’t the bastard who killed her have done that? It seemed to Matt, a knife in the back would’ve been much more preferable to this. 

It felt like it took forever for everyone to clear off. The last ones left were Matt, his parents, Lance and Hunk, and Shiro and his husband. Matt just wanted to be _alone_. Apparently the others sensed that, and they all slowly made their way out of the room together, finally leaving him to himself. 

•••  
_  
Matt could remember when she was born._

_He was four._

_“Daddy, can I hold her?” She was so small, he was confident he carry her. She didn’t look very heavy at all- his father was holding her just as easily as he held Matt. “Please?”_

_Sam glanced at Colleen briefly. When she smiled and nodded, he turned back to Matt, smiling himself. “Okay, you need to sit down though. And remember, your sister is very fragile right now, so you need to be very careful with here okay?”_

_Matt nodded vigorously and hurried to sit down, reaching his arms out eagerly. Slowly, his dad handed the baby down into Matt’s arms._

_“You’re so cute,” he said, adopting the sweet croon his parents used when they talked to her. That tone sounded adorable coming from the mouth of a four-year-old. After a moment of looking down at her, he asked, “What are you gonna call her?”_

_“Katherine.”_

_“Katherine?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“That’s a long name,” Matt said. “What else can we call her?”_

_“Well, we’ll probably call her Katie for short,” Colleen answered, smiling down at her children. She was glad to see that Matt was taking an interest in the new baby- and didn’t seem to be too jealous._

_“I’m gonna call her Pidge. I like that better.”_

_Sam couldn’t help but snort, and Colleen chuckled. “Where did 'Pidge' come from, Matt?”_

_Matt shrugged. “I don’t know, I just said it.”_

_“Ah, the mind of a child,” Sam said wistfully, looking over at his wife. “I wonder how long that nickname will last.”_

_“Not long, I'm sure.”_

_“Daddy, can you take her now? She’s heavier than she looks.”_

_“Alright, Sam said, bending down to pick her up. He hadn’t yet reached her when Matt let out an excited cry._

_“I think she just smiled at me! That means she likes me!” He looked so happy, neither of his parents had the heart to tell him that at this age, a smile didn’t mean too awfully much._

_“Alright Matt, here,” Sam said, reaching down for the infant._

_“Never mind, she’s not that heavy,” Matt answered, holding her closer. He decided right then and there that he would be a good big brother to this little thing. He would be there for her, look out for her, and keep her safe. Nothing would hurt her on his little four-year-old watch. He’d always be there for her._  
  
•••

When the room had cleared out, Matt went back to where Pidge was laying. Hoping she would somehow pop up and tell him that she was just fine. He couldn’t help it- against his better judgement, Matt reached down to brush his hand against hers. It was cold and stiff and horribly wrong. 

He was wrong. Because it turned out, when it mattered most, he wasn’t there for her.

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY so later on, Matt becomes a vigilante, determined to stomp out crime in the galaxy garrison and is fueled by the pain of the loss of his sister. He is- the Mattman. Get it, like Batman? I’m sorry, I needed at least one semi-positive thing after all this because it all made me sad.  
> Anyhoo, shoot me a request at http://the-sinnamon-roll-writes.tumblr.com/ !


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